Depending on who I'm telling, this may be referred to as one of my proudest or least proud moments.
It starts one Green Week Tuesday morning when myself and Ben decided to get involved. Now most of the day is long gone now, however I know that between us we had a slab and a half over the course of the afternoon. The last 10-12 beers were being dragged around by the plastic and at some point Ben must have let go because it vanished.
Around 2pm I was happily drunk watching the events of the day and beer poured on my head from above. Ben had decided to stand on a balcony above me and pour his beer over me. Must have seemed like a good idea at the time or something. Much later my revenge was had when I stumbled across two loaves of unsliced bread and walked in on Ben doing what was known as the nudie bong, since no pants (or underwear) could be worn while drinking from it. Picture me blind drunk, with a loaf of bread on each hand running in beating him with both loaves of bread while he tried to cover himself up and his face. I guess you had to be there. I proceeded to break the bread up into chunks and throw it at him. It was just after this when campus security came by asking if they'd seen anybody running around naked.
Anyway slightly before this incident, we were walking past the theatre and a large crowd appeared to be filing in; so naturally I decided to strip down to my underwear and ask Ben to meet me with my clothes on the other side. Then while heading towards the crowd I pulled off my underwear and waved them around above my head while running towards them. It wasn't until I made it 2/3 of the way through the crowd before I heard that the crowd was yelling something about "the children". Turned out most of the crowd were families with small children. So I ran, and I ran; still naked, being chased by angry fathers. Not entirely sure how I ended up clothed again, but that security guard I mentioned above was searching for me.
In the morning there were ticket stubs floating around that said "A kidsummer night's dream"
Awkward.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Pisslist
Overpass onto traffic.
6th story window.
Public train (that did not have toilets).
Jerk's car.
Handicapped toilet sink.
Empty bottle.
Out of a car window (only a dribble because I nearly fell out when Sean planted his foot on the accelerator).
While twirling.
Stay tuned...
6th story window.
Public train (that did not have toilets).
Jerk's car.
Handicapped toilet sink.
Empty bottle.
Out of a car window (only a dribble because I nearly fell out when Sean planted his foot on the accelerator).
While twirling.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Girls shouldn't challenge me to strip pool
I don't have the faintest idea on the events leading up to where this story begins, but it begins around closing time at JD's one night.
The doors had just been locked so there were only staff and the regulars left inside; and us of course. A female acquaintance who appeared to be a little interested in me kept trying to challenge me to pool, however I was far too drunk to bother standing up to play pool. Especially since I rarely lose and didn't see the challenge in it.
She was still convinced she was in with a shot and decided to make it interesting and make it a game of strip pool. Clearly in the interest of all the males in the room I had to get off my ass and get this chick naked. After a few items of clothing were removed, it was agreed her friend could strip on her behalf to keep her last few bits on. The end result was me losing a shirt and them having one bra and two pairs of knickers between them. I can't remember if the underwear was hot or not as I was too busy basking in my own glory. I think most of the staff and regularly were quite content with the outcome.
It was at this point that I remembered that there was a security camera pointing at us, and my old man was checking them on a regular basis. Woops.
Somehow time passed and we ended up at one of their places. A few of us ended up there. Anyway we all got nice and cosy and then I shut my eyes for what seemed like a few minutes... Then it was morning and my friends had decided it was best to leave me there unconscious in my underwear. I quietly snuck out, put my pants on and called Sean to "Come the fuck back and get me" from the highway.
The doors had just been locked so there were only staff and the regulars left inside; and us of course. A female acquaintance who appeared to be a little interested in me kept trying to challenge me to pool, however I was far too drunk to bother standing up to play pool. Especially since I rarely lose and didn't see the challenge in it.
She was still convinced she was in with a shot and decided to make it interesting and make it a game of strip pool. Clearly in the interest of all the males in the room I had to get off my ass and get this chick naked. After a few items of clothing were removed, it was agreed her friend could strip on her behalf to keep her last few bits on. The end result was me losing a shirt and them having one bra and two pairs of knickers between them. I can't remember if the underwear was hot or not as I was too busy basking in my own glory. I think most of the staff and regularly were quite content with the outcome.
It was at this point that I remembered that there was a security camera pointing at us, and my old man was checking them on a regular basis. Woops.
Somehow time passed and we ended up at one of their places. A few of us ended up there. Anyway we all got nice and cosy and then I shut my eyes for what seemed like a few minutes... Then it was morning and my friends had decided it was best to leave me there unconscious in my underwear. I quietly snuck out, put my pants on and called Sean to "Come the fuck back and get me" from the highway.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Frostbites, handicapped toilets, milk crates and near arrests
One of the few stories from 2004 that I recall more than 40% of is the Frostbites night of Green Week.
Frostbites is a club/pub in the city and to be honest I don't really remember much about the place at all except the toilets were upstairs and quite difficult to find. Over 100 drunk uni students were in attendance for the ridiculously cheap drinks, including 1 hour of free beer. Ben who hadn't really drank very often before asked me what he should order. This was probably a mistake, after waiting in line for quite some time to get to the bar he ordered his triple scotch. Now as you can imagine it made sense to skull one drink and buy another in order to minimise waiting time for drinks (as they wouldn't serve you if you already had a drink, to avoid people stockpiling during the cheap times. So Ben returned with a glass and announced, 'this is a double, I skulled the triple'. He later vowed to never to drink another triple scotch again, at the penalty of paying me some amount of money. One day I'm sure I'll be able to tell the story of Ben breaking this vow; but not yet.
I don't really know much of what happened while we were at Frostbites, however I do recall when the beer finally hit my bladder and I was unaware of the upstairs area (where the toilets were). It seems many people had the same problem and had formed a que outside the single handicapped stall on the ground floor. I was fer too drunk and cocky to wait in a line to piss so I just followed some scared looking guy into the toilet and made quite a mess of the handicapped toilet sink. I think the other guy on the toilet had stage-fright.
The next memory is of Ben sitting in a stupor in a corner cursing triple scotches while barfing into a plastic potted fern. The following few hours are very sketchy. Picture it a montage of 100 drunken uni students running around the city. There was a large circle of singing stupid songs, I lost and found Ben several times who by this point was really my responsibility and there were milk crates worn as helmuts being used to headbutt duel in a park somewhere. I also managed to walk into a pub with the crate and pour a beer on my face trying to drink through it before security said I'd have to leave it outside.
Now at some point during all this stupidity, myself and Ben stopped for Subway and somehow lost the entire crowd of 100 people. This didn't last long however, as we stumbled about the city looking for friends we followed the loud screams to stumble across the same 100 uni students running naked through the streets.
The last notable event of the night was when all 100 people tried to fit into a very very small 7/11. approx 3mx4m.
We were crushed into the walls while more and more people tried to fit in and everybody starting eating everything in the store. You'd think of 100 educated people, just one of them would have noticed the store clerk calling emergency. When the police came we were defacing some form of monument or something when the police came and we scattered. A taxi dropped me off at my car at Monash at the same time as an unidentified car dropped Ben off in the same carpark. We have yet to establish who drove him there.
The following day I sat on my new milk crate and played cards all day.
Frostbites is a club/pub in the city and to be honest I don't really remember much about the place at all except the toilets were upstairs and quite difficult to find. Over 100 drunk uni students were in attendance for the ridiculously cheap drinks, including 1 hour of free beer. Ben who hadn't really drank very often before asked me what he should order. This was probably a mistake, after waiting in line for quite some time to get to the bar he ordered his triple scotch. Now as you can imagine it made sense to skull one drink and buy another in order to minimise waiting time for drinks (as they wouldn't serve you if you already had a drink, to avoid people stockpiling during the cheap times. So Ben returned with a glass and announced, 'this is a double, I skulled the triple'. He later vowed to never to drink another triple scotch again, at the penalty of paying me some amount of money. One day I'm sure I'll be able to tell the story of Ben breaking this vow; but not yet.
I don't really know much of what happened while we were at Frostbites, however I do recall when the beer finally hit my bladder and I was unaware of the upstairs area (where the toilets were). It seems many people had the same problem and had formed a que outside the single handicapped stall on the ground floor. I was fer too drunk and cocky to wait in a line to piss so I just followed some scared looking guy into the toilet and made quite a mess of the handicapped toilet sink. I think the other guy on the toilet had stage-fright.
The next memory is of Ben sitting in a stupor in a corner cursing triple scotches while barfing into a plastic potted fern. The following few hours are very sketchy. Picture it a montage of 100 drunken uni students running around the city. There was a large circle of singing stupid songs, I lost and found Ben several times who by this point was really my responsibility and there were milk crates worn as helmuts being used to headbutt duel in a park somewhere. I also managed to walk into a pub with the crate and pour a beer on my face trying to drink through it before security said I'd have to leave it outside.
Now at some point during all this stupidity, myself and Ben stopped for Subway and somehow lost the entire crowd of 100 people. This didn't last long however, as we stumbled about the city looking for friends we followed the loud screams to stumble across the same 100 uni students running naked through the streets.
The last notable event of the night was when all 100 people tried to fit into a very very small 7/11. approx 3mx4m.
We were crushed into the walls while more and more people tried to fit in and everybody starting eating everything in the store. You'd think of 100 educated people, just one of them would have noticed the store clerk calling emergency. When the police came we were defacing some form of monument or something when the police came and we scattered. A taxi dropped me off at my car at Monash at the same time as an unidentified car dropped Ben off in the same carpark. We have yet to establish who drove him there.
The following day I sat on my new milk crate and played cards all day.
The beer bong and the 16 year olds
When we were 18 I accompanied Sean to a going away party for a 16 year old girl he knew from Cadets. Kim.
Naturally we brought 2 slabs an a beer bong and entered the party as those older guys who are just so freaking cool to 16 year olds.
Now I'd be lying if I said I remembered more than 10% of this night at this point however the important details are there. One 15 year old girl (Jacqui) took a liking to me so to show her 'coolness' kept having a go at the beer bong. Now I was well aware that she was only trying to impress me so I did the responsible thing the older, more mature person should do in this kind of situation; I encouraged her until she passed out on a bean bag.
Allegedly I was spotted semi-conscious in the laundry with a bra on my head and there was definitely a fair attempt at break dancing.
Oh and while the details are not completely clear, it is possible Sean's on the hook for statutory rape. Who knows.
Naturally we brought 2 slabs an a beer bong and entered the party as those older guys who are just so freaking cool to 16 year olds.
Now I'd be lying if I said I remembered more than 10% of this night at this point however the important details are there. One 15 year old girl (Jacqui) took a liking to me so to show her 'coolness' kept having a go at the beer bong. Now I was well aware that she was only trying to impress me so I did the responsible thing the older, more mature person should do in this kind of situation; I encouraged her until she passed out on a bean bag.
Allegedly I was spotted semi-conscious in the laundry with a bra on my head and there was definitely a fair attempt at break dancing.
Oh and while the details are not completely clear, it is possible Sean's on the hook for statutory rape. Who knows.
In the beginning
It would be difficult to describe when it began. How it began however probably stems from spending my adolescent years with pool players. Many of the earlier stories have been forgotten as a result of the stories to follow, however here are a few short snippets of the early years.
The first notable event would have to be when I was 14 at my cousins 20th birthday. People kept sneaking me girly vodka drinks until they realised they weren't the only one doing so and I was dancing on the bar to "Rock DJ". There was a great deal of pelvic thrusting which was probably quite a sight considering my age. However this isn't the point of this story; the following morning we were flying to Queensland for a family holiday. An extremely hungover/drunk 14 year old boy who suffers motion sickness probably shouldn't fly. When everybody on the plane was standing awaiting to pile out, it came. Everywhere. Spraying through the gaps in my fingers, it sprayed at least 8 passengers before I controlled it onto a seat, which overflowed.
Some flights that day were delayed.
In the following years, pool players got me drunk several times and hilarity often ensued, however I'll save those stories for another time. Except let it be noted that drunk pool players are willing to lose quite a bit of poker to a teenager.
The first year of uni was a haze of alcohol, most accounts were of the following form.
Saturday 0700 - Morning
Saturday 0900 - First Beer (outside 'the pool room' in ferntree gully)
Saturday 1000 - Much pool and beer at state titles
Saturday 1800 - KFC and La Porchetta
Saturday 1900 - Got to JD's, couldn't play much pool. Mostly beer
Saturday 2100 - Went to a club. Had 5 pints according to the drink card in my pocket
Sunday ???? - Another club.
Sunday ???? - ????????????
Sunday ???? - Stumbled around looking for a party.
Sunday 0300 - Back to the second club.
Sunday 0500 - Club closed, went for walk.
Sunday 0600 - Maccas breakfast
Sunday 0800 - Bed
Most of these episodes have been combined together in my memory as a sequence of short clips. I will endeavour to include them all here.
The first notable event would have to be when I was 14 at my cousins 20th birthday. People kept sneaking me girly vodka drinks until they realised they weren't the only one doing so and I was dancing on the bar to "Rock DJ". There was a great deal of pelvic thrusting which was probably quite a sight considering my age. However this isn't the point of this story; the following morning we were flying to Queensland for a family holiday. An extremely hungover/drunk 14 year old boy who suffers motion sickness probably shouldn't fly. When everybody on the plane was standing awaiting to pile out, it came. Everywhere. Spraying through the gaps in my fingers, it sprayed at least 8 passengers before I controlled it onto a seat, which overflowed.
Some flights that day were delayed.
In the following years, pool players got me drunk several times and hilarity often ensued, however I'll save those stories for another time. Except let it be noted that drunk pool players are willing to lose quite a bit of poker to a teenager.
The first year of uni was a haze of alcohol, most accounts were of the following form.
Saturday 0700 - Morning
Saturday 0900 - First Beer (outside 'the pool room' in ferntree gully)
Saturday 1000 - Much pool and beer at state titles
Saturday 1800 - KFC and La Porchetta
Saturday 1900 - Got to JD's, couldn't play much pool. Mostly beer
Saturday 2100 - Went to a club. Had 5 pints according to the drink card in my pocket
Sunday ???? - Another club.
Sunday ???? - ????????????
Sunday ???? - Stumbled around looking for a party.
Sunday 0300 - Back to the second club.
Sunday 0500 - Club closed, went for walk.
Sunday 0600 - Maccas breakfast
Sunday 0800 - Bed
Most of these episodes have been combined together in my memory as a sequence of short clips. I will endeavour to include them all here.
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